he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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