first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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