i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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