I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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