I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
