My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
