Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
