she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
