he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
