matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
