I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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