Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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