Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
