Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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