I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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