I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
