my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
