apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
