So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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