A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
