I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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