I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize