I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this boner is exhausting
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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