The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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