You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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