I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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