dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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