I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
