Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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