i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
