Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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