I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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