Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
