smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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