I can't watch pbs sober anymore
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
