Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Who died my cat blue again?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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