The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
