Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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