i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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