capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize