The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
my liver is dry heaving
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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