Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
