singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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