I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
