hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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