I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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