you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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