you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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