The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
