I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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