he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
