I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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