so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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