I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
