Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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