What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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