just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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