Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize