Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
