Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
