she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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