Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Everclear isn't food dammit
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
