Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
