The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
