Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize