hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
