I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
