we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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