Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
