Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
