I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
