I'm gonna have a badass scar
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
